stuff from my journal

Here are some things from my Total Drama journal sketchbook thingy. The first is a list of my phobias. I want to be able to scan the page and show it but I don't have a scanner yet so I have to settle for what I got. It's got little pictures of Courtney in the green jelly pool and Chris and Duncan laughing at her cause she's crying. Actually Chris refers to it not as jelly but as "slime" since that's.. well, you will see: haircuts, getting shampooed, hairgel, mousse, hairspray, water, swimming, mud, dirt, germs, vomit, vommiting, hospitals, doctors, needles, shots, injections, iv tubes, catheters, dentists, fillings, root canals, surgery, amusement parks, heights, fast rides, medicine taking, seafood, fish, magic, halloween, makeup, baths, showers, smelling bad, bad smells, makeovers, birthdays, showing weakness, public speaking, socializing, worms, centipedes, eating right, paint, facials, manicures, poop, singing, dancing, carousels, sleeping studies, skyview, and slime.

The other thing from my journal I wanted to type in was a list of resolutions which I was more proud of than the phobias. It obviously makes me sound a little braver. It's got a picture of Courtney tasting a plate of worms:
Things I Don't Want To But Should Do In 2010

try new foods- like maybe some sort of seafood, Chinese, there's so much I just am afraid to try. I have it in the back of my head that I'll get sick.

get back on skyview- for some reason I really want to get back on. I didn't die! Towards the end I calmed down a bit and was able to open my eyes and look down. It wasn't that scary.

maybe not a rollercoaster, we'll see, but I really have to get over the whole thing about amusement parks and their rides too. I honestly never did barf myself, it was my brother, so the fear of getting sick shouldn't stop me. I know there's still the worry of someone else throwing up on me, but there are rides that can sit you away from another rider. I think anyway.

say they do the halloween contest next year, then no pumkins!- Pumpkin carving is gross smelling and made me feel like barfing. I have to do the costume thing no matter how scary it seems. I'm still thinking Courtney, which isn't hard, or Izzy which is. Although the girl who won was Courtney and I've got no chance of beating her since shes got all the little costumes. It'd probably make more sense to do a character that would be more of a stretch for me like Duncan. The girl who dressed as him didn't even have the green hair. I know, I'd have to. For a TDA dvd or animation cel I would! I totally should have just did it this year. I'm regretting it now.

I know it's really hard but I need to learn socialization. I have horrible social skills. It's hard for me to even get noticed. In speech class it took me almost the whole year to get the three assignments completed. I'm lucky my teacher was so nice, she didn't have to be. That was pathetic, only one in front of the class, the other two in front of her. She said the hardest speech is the one you give to one person. I don't know about that. Either way they made me nervous. I'm most nervous when I talk about what I like most. I don't even want people to know I like Total Drama Island. I don't know why.

Merry Christmas! :)

to be online on Christmas is such a treat! I've never got to do it before! having my own computer is awesome. it's about the only cool thing I got this year and I had to buy it myself. otherwise I just got some new towels, some pajamas, bath and body stuff, the usual. this is sort of my first real adult Christmas. I'm kind of the one buying most of the presents this time. I bought a lot of candy and stuff my parents would like, gave my brother and his girlfriend a gift certificate to the mall so they can just buy what they want, and my sister got a lot of stuff for her and the kids. grown up Christmas isn''t as fun as it used to be but it's still fun to watch the reaction on everyone's face when they open their gift. my nephew was born on the 16th. his name is Thomas. I like that name too. Sidney, Marley, and Thomas. and my cousin has Alexis, Ryan, and Jacob. I'm jealous, I want a baby too:( I think my parents are going to that stupid ass casino again on Saturday. that's a waste, I'd rather go find a projector that works than spend money I'll never see again at a casino. the projector I did get never worked. there was never any light inside. and I never found the Total Drama Island dvd. that's what I wanted most this year. that and that vacation.

why is it cold already

yeah what the heck? it's already almost november. the time is moving way too fast. not that I want things dragging along or anything but I'm just saying. that baby was in aggie's stomach and we just found out about him and now he's out. Jacob was born last friday. my sister's baby is coming in december, and Ryan and Marley are already... well Ryan is two and a half in december, Marley's one and a half in january, Sidney's almost three! where does the time go? it's not fair to me because I spend a lot of time just not feeling that good and suffering with migraines. I'm not too concerned with the ms or the lupus they're telling me I may have. the thing that keeps me run down are these damn headaches. with only nine imitrex a month I can't function. and my parents, oh they just set off the stress so bad. do they have to talk so loud? does everything have to get them mad? and every little tip or tap will set off a stress headache or make me jump because they have me that way. I want to get away from the two of them so bad. that's what I need, that's what would cure me, a vacation away from my family. for like a month or two. actually, you know what? a year or two.

No way. that can't be serious. you win an actual total drama island in that contest? that cosplay/ pumkin contest thing?! well, I was going to do a costume and I should have. the original plan was izzy but I kind of got afraid to thinking how was I going to wind up with orangy red hair. I know how to get it all curly like that it's just... orange? I don't know. then I was going to do courtney which isn't much of a challenge, I just really need to find the right... Okay honestly I do have the right clothes, it's just the matter of a haircut and that's my phobia factor so I decided not to force myself. so I'm stuck with this dopey pumkin of owen that had moldy white things on the back which I cut off and the smell of the insides nearly made me puke. ooh that was fun. I'm pretty sure the pics never made their destination and there are a million better pumkins than mine. how do I know? there are a million better ones than mine around the neighborhood! I saw a show on the food network about it. I think I saw a two year old carve a pretty good pumkin with an actual kit you buy at the store, not a knife and fingers like me, and they didn't pass out from the smell either! I'm so embarassed!

That sleeping study went okay. I can't say I liked it because I didn't. that was awful! being hooked up with all of those wires. carrying them wherever I went. kind of felt like falling over when I noticed they had to stick the wires on with green slimy stuff. that was not fun at all. not something I'm going to forget anytime soon. but I guess I did okay.

for how sick i've been in the last two weeks, actually more than that, whoah. it's been one bad migraine headache after another. i'm not sure what's causing them. the rise in temperature or what? because this last week has been cool. it could be stress, it probably is. things like my brother leaving for college that sets them off. i can't help but worry about someone who's going to be three hours away and doesn't really do much of a good job of taking care of himself. i mean he can make food and wash his own clothes and crap it's just i don't know, he keeps calling like every two weeks saying he's caught some kind of flu. and now they're saying that colleges are going to have swine flu epidemics and have kids quarantined and that just scares me. him and kelly would be like the first ones to get it. because they would be i know how they are. he won't even get a flu shot. he's afraid to i think, or doesn't belive in them or something. i even got one the other year and still wound up in the hospital. that was the worst. the hospital on easter weekend. all i kept hearing was that guy crying he wanted to go home. and the food was so terrible. they made me eat mashed potatoes made with water because the doctor wouldn't let me have any dairy for a week. so that meant no easter eggs, no chocolate, no homeade bread, nothing enjoyable. and they bother you every ten minutes, even during the night, with injections and bloodwork and breathing treatments. which makes me unhappy because now i have to go at the end of the month for a sleep study. my nuerologist thinks i get too many migraines because i'm sleeping too much and might not be getting the right kind of sleep at night. so now i'm kind of really worried because i know already what that's going to require and it's scaring me. oh, i don't mean staying there overnight or eating their food, i already know that. they actually want me there until almost four the next day. i know the worst part about the whole thing and i have no idea how i'm even going to sleep if i have to... if they're going to...ha ha i'm not typing this^_^ no way i can't

maybe today I can make an entry i don't know. so like almost a month ago already we went to hershey and i did get to go to the park for once. there was actually a total drama island summer challenge list that i made up and i so far only did seven challenges out of fourteen. i thought i did more. well honestly it seemed like a lot was accomplished you know? drat, so that means i have to pick my favorite fear by tuesday or i don't get a dvd. who says so? i do! i made it up. i want to go through with it for real. i actually went all the way to hersheypark and made it onto the kissing tower- which wasn't bad at all. it's just an elevator like they say it is. all it does is spin around a little. there's just a fast lift halfway to the top, the rest of the ride isn't that bad., the ferris wheel- which i was terrified to ride because it's really high and shaky. once i got on it i was okay. i had to ride with three strange little kids. they wouldn't let anyone ride by themselves. they were all scared too. it's actually less scary when it starts going faster and that was the part i was worried about. i wound up liking it a lot., the skyview- no that ride kind of made me sick. that's just too high and you have to dangle there by yourself over rollercoasters and concrete and water and stuff. i felt myself getting dizzy and i had to hold on really tight and close my eyes pretty much the whole time. i'll never go on something like that again! what was i supposed to puke on the people below me? man that was terrible! the ride i wanted to go on most and it was the worst:( then we got to go to chocolate world and you know i think my brother is crazy, how could they have moved it or changed it, it's exactly the same as it was in kindergarten. and kindergarten for me was 1988, i still remember it. you can't forget a thing like that.

Other than the hershey trip? do i really have to talk about it? it's my journal, no one's actually reading it. at least not yet. not until i actually add people so yeah. um, the list also included stuff like the ninety hundred fillings and extractions i need on my teeth, the birthday thing since i my birthday but that's over so good, the haircut thing which is sort or over i guess, and four and five were the hershey park rides. i missed out on like twelve didn't i? well the water rides since i had like a million excuses not to get wet and was really afraid to. that's one whole aspect of the challenge, plus the faster rides. no swing ride, i saw it from the kissing tower. no flying falcons because it'd probably make me puke or someone would puke on me. i'm terrified of puke. of puke means not even one little rollercoaster. i couldn't even get on the carousel because it seemed like it was spinning too fast. since we're not going to an amusement park, at least i don't think so, all weekend, i'm screwed unless i pick something else.

that whole total drama island/action summer challenge thing i made up? i pretty much did everything on the list! even the skyview and i was really scared dangling over all those rollercoasters. i'm not ! more details when there's more time!

i'm in again today. there see, my brother got a haircut, he didn't die. oh shut up. they don't wash guys hair or do anything gross like that. they get it so easy. s don't, it's such a ... blechh. really i'm going to die on tuesday. no dentist today though. they cancelled it until august. so i guess if that filling breaks apart or falls out i'll have to give them a call but otherwise everything should be alright. i just have to stay away from really sticky stuff which i don't eat anyway. i have more of the sweet tooth for chocolate and ice cream. a day without chocolate is impossible. ooh yeah so the other day we got to go shopping in wyomissing at the berkshire mall for my birthday. i was supposed to go on my birthday but my mom ruined it and said not until this week so whatever but we just recently went. i've never been to a hot topic store before. i got to see all this really cool invader zim stuff but decided to buy a flapjack and chowder shirt instead cause for some reason mom thinks i don't have money to splurge like i do and she gets all scared. if i were there on my own i would have. and if it were total drama island action stuff i would have totally done the splurging anyway. it was a great day. ice cream, shopping, we even saw the bar where jon was cheating on kate. great day. nice birthday present:)

whoah they don't give you that much time to be here. i have to leave in like three or four minutes. that bus is always late anyhow. i can't believe myself, not going last week. um, well, the whole secret phobia thing i don't like talking about. what the heck is wrong with me?! there's no reason i couldn't have gone. now it's just eating away at me and i still have to go next week it's not like something i can avoid. no not the hersheypark thing, i'm going just not yet. i mean yeah that's scary too just not as bad as this one. it's the whole haircut thing. it has me so worked up. i just can't do it. i can't even imagine going. i don't know, i just can't. and oh, yeah, my filling broke yesterday so all that drilling on monday that the dentist did meant nothing because i guess he's just going to have to fix it again tomorrow. this summer just isn't fun. i'm going to follow more blogs when i'm in next week. at least my birthday went well. i had a total drama action cake. but i got courtney. everyone else ate duncan and mom took the owen piece in her lunch. i wanted duncan.

i'm going to hersheypark in july i guess. that's when my dad's home and all he does is sit around and be annoying all day so i'll have to get away from him. my plans to take aggie and ryan are gone though. she doesn't really want to take him somewhere like that. she says she gets a headache when she's out at an amusement park all day. i have trouble with headaches too but i take my migraine medicine and stay hydrated like i'm supposed to. you know how many nightmares i've had about hersheypark since i've been there when i was a kid? a lot! that big double ferris wheel thing is gone. it used to board passengers while the other side was up in the air. now they just have a plain old ferris wheel like the one i won't ride at knoebel's. and they still have the skyview, and the kissing tower, and the flying falcons which is really scary looking. i don't care i want to ride it anyway. yeah, i'll see how my stomach's feeling once i get there and actually come face to face with the thing. it's easy to talk. it's even easy to talk about something like the monorail but when you're afraid of heights it's a whole other story. that was kinda high. i've only ever been on the train rides since i was ten and that incident happened with my brother and the rollercoaster. not to say it would happen to me, it just scared the snot out of me that's all. he got so sick and threw up so much. wasn't he puking up poop and or something? he was fine after a while, i mean like after a half hour or so, but it just sticks in my mind and eats at me. i never want to go on anything intense with that kid ever again. and oh that's right. the same guy who goes on the wipeout last year and makes me run away to the gift shop and i'm wondering why him and kelly are just sitting there all wierd and quiet and all. why? because he puked on it! then he goes on the balloon ride and pukes on that! that's good, real good, just what i needed to see. that'll get me over the whole riding things at the park fear. i'll never grow up. remember before all this happened how much fun riding the whipper cars used to be? that was my favorite ride. i'd go on like eight times in a row. little brothers ruin everything! except free tickets to hersheypark, can't argue with that.

:)

I don't have much time. I never do. I like to come here and look at the Total Drama Action stuff online. Especially the offical blog. Which I honestly tried to put up as a friend or something and it doesn't work, nothing in this library works! Livejournal isn't working anymore, Facebook won't work, won't work, ugh it's sickening! I want to do stuff too! I probably am more a fan than anyone else, plus I am dying to get into animation and I'm stuck home with no opportunities in the middle of nowhere! Just me and my poor people's screengrabs. A load of sketchbooks and no one to care about them. And my old lj friends from college must think I abandoned them too. That's not cool. And I've been meaning to e-mail my cousin, it looks like him... in that vile cabinet comercial. Either that or I'm losing my damn mind.

what's heather doing in that one commercial. with that bowl? see, now that makes me uneasy. i thought i saw a pic of gwen online with purple hair and all and i just was like now i'm going to be all scared and all? no i mean, shut up:(

Livejournal won't let me post, I don't know what's going on over there. Eh, I do care since everyone else is over there and stuff and we're like friends again. *sigh* I'm not doing too well. It seems like I get a migraine every day. And whenever I want to do something, someone or something is in the way. Yesterday afternoon our power went out. This is May already! Why am I feeling like this! Oh and the transportation program keeps being all weird and either gets me to my appointments too early or late or not at all, or they may just be y on the phone to me, so I don't know about going to physical therapy anymore. It's three times a week! It's helping but it takes about five hours out of the day. I have a bad inner ear problem which really makes me unhappy and that's what I was going for. We may get free admission to Hershey Park this year and they have like the coolest rides ever and I really don't want to worry about getting sick. I want to go on that big double ferris wheel thing, and the kissing tower, and the swing ride, and I sooo wish I could get on the roller coasters. We're going to take Ryan. It's going to be so cool! I can't be throwing up!