the girl with too many worries

I know exactly what to stop for lent. After today's cancellation of that dentist appointment I could have totally went to, that's it I've had it with myself. I'm going to quit being so anxious and phobic of everything. If I had to guess I'd say that's probably where my migraines come from, it's why I never really eat, it's the cause of all of my problems and I just can't stand it. The way my stomach feels lately maybe I should try relaxing a little and remebering that these things won't hurt me as much as I think they will. Being scared all the time, that's going to hurt. I don't get to see my therapist enough so we never really get to discuss phobias much. My parents give me a lot of trouble too and there's always a delightful story about them first or my other relatives or neighbors. The worst? I don't know. I worry a lot about germs since I was in the hospital with that virus two years ago. Everything has to be clean. Germs, dirt, I have a severe blennophobia too. That's terrible when just about everything around you is slimy if you think about it. The awful things like boogers, barf, and mud and also the nice things like shampoo, lotion, and soap. It drives me crazy! Sometimes there's a bumpy texture into the nice stuff too and it's kind of like boogery puke! I hate that with such a passion! *whahhhh!* Lent for us starts Monday. Which is always silly since Tuesday they eat meat again and Wednesday they don't. Then it's no meat Wednesdays and Fridays until Easter. In fact if Sidney's birthday party is on his actual birthday we can't eat meat that day either. I better get eating. I also won't eat seafood. My dad got pretty sick on it once.

at least theres that

okay, so now I have 100 edits on the total drama wiki. sometimes I just don't know though. It's kind of tough to edit something that's been edited already. my blogs really silly, I never know what's going on in irc, no one ever says anything on my talk page. you know I've actually been there since september. september and only at 100 now. cripes that's pathetic. and my deviantart site is even worse. no one looks at it. I love tdi exile's stuff but can't get the hang of downloading it, what's wrong with this thing anyway, I thought windows 7 was supposed to be so great! I swear, sometimes...

plainting

I hate being tired all the time and I hate being sick. No one respects me at all or appreciates anything I ever do for them. When I need something done for me, no one ever wants to do it. Every time I'm doing something around the house that's tough for me there's no one to help out even though when they do simple chores they whine like babies for me to help them. No one helps me prepare dinner, no one helps with the laundry, no one offers to help with the dishes. They just sit there watching tv all day and they keep getting in the way. When it comes time to take me to a doctor appointment or to pick up medicine at the pharmacy no one wants to help out with that either. They would rather just stay home and do nothing because absolutely nothing goes on where we live. The only place anyone ever goes anymore is to bingo. I feel like a fool for spending all of that money. All of that money on Christmas gifts for people that pretty much don't even like me. If they weren't related I'm sure they wouldn't. Money on food, all of that damn food. Chicken dinners, pizzas, subs, cheeseburgers, since the summer time, never really a thank you. They eat my food, they drink my iced tea, and I'm supposed to keep letting them leech off of me when no one ever wants to do anything for me?

stuff from my journal

Here are some things from my Total Drama journal sketchbook thingy. The first is a list of my phobias. I want to be able to scan the page and show it but I don't have a scanner yet so I have to settle for what I got. It's got little pictures of Courtney in the green jelly pool and Chris and Duncan laughing at her cause she's crying. Actually Chris refers to it not as jelly but as "slime" since that's.. well, you will see: haircuts, getting shampooed, hairgel, mousse, hairspray, water, swimming, mud, dirt, germs, vomit, vommiting, hospitals, doctors, needles, shots, injections, iv tubes, catheters, dentists, fillings, root canals, surgery, amusement parks, heights, fast rides, medicine taking, seafood, fish, magic, halloween, makeup, baths, showers, smelling bad, bad smells, makeovers, birthdays, showing weakness, public speaking, socializing, worms, centipedes, eating right, paint, facials, manicures, poop, singing, dancing, carousels, sleeping studies, skyview, and slime.

The other thing from my journal I wanted to type in was a list of resolutions which I was more proud of than the phobias. It obviously makes me sound a little braver. It's got a picture of Courtney tasting a plate of worms:
Things I Don't Want To But Should Do In 2010

try new foods- like maybe some sort of seafood, Chinese, there's so much I just am afraid to try. I have it in the back of my head that I'll get sick.

get back on skyview- for some reason I really want to get back on. I didn't die! Towards the end I calmed down a bit and was able to open my eyes and look down. It wasn't that scary.

maybe not a rollercoaster, we'll see, but I really have to get over the whole thing about amusement parks and their rides too. I honestly never did barf myself, it was my brother, so the fear of getting sick shouldn't stop me. I know there's still the worry of someone else throwing up on me, but there are rides that can sit you away from another rider. I think anyway.

say they do the halloween contest next year, then no pumkins!- Pumpkin carving is gross smelling and made me feel like barfing. I have to do the costume thing no matter how scary it seems. I'm still thinking Courtney, which isn't hard, or Izzy which is. Although the girl who won was Courtney and I've got no chance of beating her since shes got all the little costumes. It'd probably make more sense to do a character that would be more of a stretch for me like Duncan. The girl who dressed as him didn't even have the green hair. I know, I'd have to. For a TDA dvd or animation cel I would! I totally should have just did it this year. I'm regretting it now.

I know it's really hard but I need to learn socialization. I have horrible social skills. It's hard for me to even get noticed. In speech class it took me almost the whole year to get the three assignments completed. I'm lucky my teacher was so nice, she didn't have to be. That was pathetic, only one in front of the class, the other two in front of her. She said the hardest speech is the one you give to one person. I don't know about that. Either way they made me nervous. I'm most nervous when I talk about what I like most. I don't even want people to know I like Total Drama Island. I don't know why.

Merry Christmas! :)

to be online on Christmas is such a treat! I've never got to do it before! having my own computer is awesome. it's about the only cool thing I got this year and I had to buy it myself. otherwise I just got some new towels, some pajamas, bath and body stuff, the usual. this is sort of my first real adult Christmas. I'm kind of the one buying most of the presents this time. I bought a lot of candy and stuff my parents would like, gave my brother and his girlfriend a gift certificate to the mall so they can just buy what they want, and my sister got a lot of stuff for her and the kids. grown up Christmas isn''t as fun as it used to be but it's still fun to watch the reaction on everyone's face when they open their gift. my nephew was born on the 16th. his name is Thomas. I like that name too. Sidney, Marley, and Thomas. and my cousin has Alexis, Ryan, and Jacob. I'm jealous, I want a baby too:( I think my parents are going to that stupid ass casino again on Saturday. that's a waste, I'd rather go find a projector that works than spend money I'll never see again at a casino. the projector I did get never worked. there was never any light inside. and I never found the Total Drama Island dvd. that's what I wanted most this year. that and that vacation.

why is it cold already

yeah what the heck? it's already almost november. the time is moving way too fast. not that I want things dragging along or anything but I'm just saying. that baby was in aggie's stomach and we just found out about him and now he's out. Jacob was born last friday. my sister's baby is coming in december, and Ryan and Marley are already... well Ryan is two and a half in december, Marley's one and a half in january, Sidney's almost three! where does the time go? it's not fair to me because I spend a lot of time just not feeling that good and suffering with migraines. I'm not too concerned with the ms or the lupus they're telling me I may have. the thing that keeps me run down are these damn headaches. with only nine imitrex a month I can't function. and my parents, oh they just set off the stress so bad. do they have to talk so loud? does everything have to get them mad? and every little tip or tap will set off a stress headache or make me jump because they have me that way. I want to get away from the two of them so bad. that's what I need, that's what would cure me, a vacation away from my family. for like a month or two. actually, you know what? a year or two.

No way. that can't be serious. you win an actual total drama island in that contest? that cosplay/ pumkin contest thing?! well, I was going to do a costume and I should have. the original plan was izzy but I kind of got afraid to thinking how was I going to wind up with orangy red hair. I know how to get it all curly like that it's just... orange? I don't know. then I was going to do courtney which isn't much of a challenge, I just really need to find the right... Okay honestly I do have the right clothes, it's just the matter of a haircut and that's my phobia factor so I decided not to force myself. so I'm stuck with this dopey pumkin of owen that had moldy white things on the back which I cut off and the smell of the insides nearly made me puke. ooh that was fun. I'm pretty sure the pics never made their destination and there are a million better pumkins than mine. how do I know? there are a million better ones than mine around the neighborhood! I saw a show on the food network about it. I think I saw a two year old carve a pretty good pumkin with an actual kit you buy at the store, not a knife and fingers like me, and they didn't pass out from the smell either! I'm so embarassed!

That sleeping study went okay. I can't say I liked it because I didn't. that was awful! being hooked up with all of those wires. carrying them wherever I went. kind of felt like falling over when I noticed they had to stick the wires on with green slimy stuff. that was not fun at all. not something I'm going to forget anytime soon. but I guess I did okay.

for how sick i've been in the last two weeks, actually more than that, whoah. it's been one bad migraine headache after another. i'm not sure what's causing them. the rise in temperature or what? because this last week has been cool. it could be stress, it probably is. things like my brother leaving for college that sets them off. i can't help but worry about someone who's going to be three hours away and doesn't really do much of a good job of taking care of himself. i mean he can make food and wash his own clothes and crap it's just i don't know, he keeps calling like every two weeks saying he's caught some kind of flu. and now they're saying that colleges are going to have swine flu epidemics and have kids quarantined and that just scares me. him and kelly would be like the first ones to get it. because they would be i know how they are. he won't even get a flu shot. he's afraid to i think, or doesn't belive in them or something. i even got one the other year and still wound up in the hospital. that was the worst. the hospital on easter weekend. all i kept hearing was that guy crying he wanted to go home. and the food was so terrible. they made me eat mashed potatoes made with water because the doctor wouldn't let me have any dairy for a week. so that meant no easter eggs, no chocolate, no homeade bread, nothing enjoyable. and they bother you every ten minutes, even during the night, with injections and bloodwork and breathing treatments. which makes me unhappy because now i have to go at the end of the month for a sleep study. my nuerologist thinks i get too many migraines because i'm sleeping too much and might not be getting the right kind of sleep at night. so now i'm kind of really worried because i know already what that's going to require and it's scaring me. oh, i don't mean staying there overnight or eating their food, i already know that. they actually want me there until almost four the next day. i know the worst part about the whole thing and i have no idea how i'm even going to sleep if i have to... if they're going to...ha ha i'm not typing this^_^ no way i can't